things to do before I turn 30

Anonymous asked: You haven't updated in a week :( Don't give up so early on in the year

I know. I was sick and then I feel like nothing is happening. I will try to pick it up today but it’s been hard for me to be super positive right now. I hope you understand.

Today I wrote a lot for a blog that I’m writing that is my anonymous thoughts. I’m responding to blogs people have made on tumblr about issues like abortion, misogyny, and women’s rights. It feels good to write about these issues and respond to people. I don’t think I’m making any actual progress in to helping anyone listen to what I believe but it makes me feel good to think out my feelings. 

There is this awful trend on the internet now to write and throw things in to the ether while simultaneously believing you are doing something good. Saying a bunch of shit on the internet doesn’t mean you’re being an activist or that you’re helping anyone do anything. I’m writing down my thoughts so I can think them out. It’s pretty much just for me. But that’s pretty much why I write anything I write.

I was so fucking nervous about this by the way. It wasn’t even the class. It was short and sweet and everyone was nice. I got new coupons for the next three months. They told us more about how to feed a baby when she gets to be over six months which is helpful information even though I have a few months until she gets there.

What made me nervous was getting there and back. I had not taken Max anywhere on my own besides my mom’s house that I can walk to. So I had to load up all her stuff (which was normal) but then put her in the carrier and juggle her on the bus and then in the class where she got hungry right when it started (gg baby) and I had to feed her with one hand while trying to take the new coupons and paper and sign things and then get stuff together to bring her right back home.

It really only took one hour but it was a lot of work. I feel really good that I did it without asking for anyone’s help though. A few years ago I probably would have had so much anxiety that I wouldn’t have been able to do it alone. I would have asked for someone’s help or just not gone and dealt with the consequences later. 

So, this week has been about growth or something. I guess. 

Okay that’s a pretty shitty thing I did and it feels like a cop out but I’ve been sitting with this page open for like for fucking ever.

Not really a lot to say but I got in some quality time talking to some friends. I was playing video games for the internet. I played some stuff I hadn’t in a while while talking in a Skype call. Max was already asleep so I didn’t have to worry about needing to take care of her or anything. 

I kind of miss my life from before she was born, when I used to do this almost every day, play video games and talk to friends. I much prefer having her around, don’t get me wrong, but it was easier then.

Yeah, that’s not really a “thing” but sue me, it happened.

I had a lot of technical problems today with things I was trying to do. My computer wasn’t working right, the website I use to stream video wasn’t working right, and instead of getting mad about it I just decided to come back to it another time. 

The reason this is even a thing that I’d mention is because my whole life I’ve been a really impatient and quick to snap person. Usually when things don’t work or I want to find a solution to something I get really frustrated when I can’t enact the solution I’ve thought of or even just talk to someone I need to fix things with. I’m just fucking impatient as fuck. Dan would say that’s one of my worst traits and I’d agree.

But over the past few years I’ve been working on it. I haven’t really gotten more patient until the past year or less. I’m still really bad at it, but I’m making steps.

June 20, 2012:

• Weight: 166.2 lbs (-0.4) (-1.4)

So I’ve been making videos online for about four years. It was August 2008 when I made my first youtube video. Since then I’ve had over 10,000 people follow me on youtube, plus thousands on livestream sites, twitter, and facebook. Recently someone told me that I influenced video game walkthroughs with commentary in a way that no one else did. His simple statement and following explanation really made me feel good — like I actually did something to change the way Let’s Plays were done on youtube. I haven’t made a video there in a while due to just not having the drive for it anymore plus people acting like right cunts to me, but that’s neither here nor there.

But over the past four years people have asked me a bunch of times if I have ever been recognized in real life. It never happened until today. I was selling some DVDs with my mom and Max and the guy behind the counter straight up was like “Samantha…you make youtube videos” and I was immediately petrified that this was someone who hated me. First I asked him if he hated me since I can be an asshole and it’s possible I pissed him off at some point but he said no. I asked him a few questions about if I had talked to him (once or twice) and if he still watched my streams (when he gets a chance) and I thought that was pretty cool. 

Then my mom and I left and got lunch and I tweeted about it. He responded to the tweet and instantly I knew who he was. I had talked to him a bunch of times and was even following him on twitter. Pretty cool. He just said he was shy. I would have been shy too if I were him to be honest. But it was a fun experience even though my first reaction was to be really nervous about it. I doubt it’ll ever happen again.

Because we don’t have a lot of money, I was on medicaid during my pregnancy (however I’ve been getting bills randomly for some of the stuff that happened during/post labor so I’m trying to get that cleared up). And Maxine is now on medicaid, which is nice. We also get WIC which helps pay for some food for me and most of her formula. It’s been a really big help and I urge any pregnant woman who needs help to contact their local area clinics and see if they can help them apply.

This morning I had my check up with a woman involved with medicaid. She came over to check that Max has a good place to sleep (her cosleeper is awesome), was meeting all her milestones, and that the apartment was a good place for her. She asked me a bunch of questions on this survey about what Max is able to do. Some of them were “does she reach out and touch things?” and “does she smile and laugh?” Max passed the test pretty well except a few small things but the quiz is geared for babies up to 4 months old so she can still catch up in those small areas. It was nice to hear everything is going well!

She also asked me a lot of questions about how I feel, if I feel depressed, and what mental illnesses run in my family. I told her about how I felt really upset for a bit about how I was unable to enact my original birth plan and unable to breastfeed, but explained how I feel a lot better about it now. She said I seem like I am doing a good job and not under any kind of worry for falling into a depression.

All of it was nice to talk to someone about, almost like a therapy session just to see that we’re on track. It made me feel great to know someone, a 3rd party, thinks I’m doing a good job! Max has a doctor’s appointment in 3 weeks for another round of shots and the doctor will evaluate her again then, so I’m happy to just get a little more info from the pamphlets she gave me. 

The beginning of me making youtube videos coincided with when Dan and I started dating (December 2006). One of the first videos I made was of us going to make root beer floats. I had never made one in my life. I was living in my studio apartment, on my own for the first time. Really not sure why we decided that was a good idea in the middle of the winter, but ok. The video is still on youtube but it’s unlisted so no one can watch it. I should post it though since that’ll be amusing.

But my friend Jerry keeps talking about them this summer and I hadn’t left the house in way too long so I recruited Dan and we went to the grocery store. It’s the same neighborhood I lived in then, actually. We just put Max in the Baby Bjorn and went and grabbed vanilla ice cream and a 2 liter of root beer. 

Dan made the floats too, but he takes forever when pouring the root beer so I got really annoyed at him and took over pouring my own. And then I realized the last time I had a root beer float was during the recording of that video. It was good. I’ll probably have another one tomorrow.